Andrew West's Top 5 Golden Moments

And so we come to the quintessential moments of West.....

5) - Andrew West's debut was on 26/6/94 v Tower Ravens at Wandsworth Park, SW15.  I had the honour of being captain for this auspicious occasion which also happened to be my first outing as skipper of the team and also probably the worst pitch we have ever played on.  But it was all about West.
I had faced him on uncut grass and artificial pitches on Clapham Common and knew he could be a tricky bowler but it must have been John Crossland who forced me to bat him at No. 5.  He entered at 27 for 3 and Nomads were being terrorised by a tearaway cockney fast bowler called Lee Price who had figures of  4-2-3-3 when West marched out, almost fully equipped, for the first time as a Clapham Nomad to face the music.  The music must have been thrash metal as the ball was rearing around our heads and various other areas of our anatomy.  You will not be surprised to hear that Andrew was soon hit in the testicles and doubled up in agony.  "Are you wearing a box?" I called out anxiously.  "Does it look like I'm wearing a f***ing box?" West replied, rubbing and counting frantically.
Anyway, West, using his unique grip, proceeded to smash the Ravens all over the Park, and probably into the Thames, with 6 boundaries in his 26,  He put on 51 for the 4th wicket with the suave, public school-educated, classical cellist and chess expert Chris Holland.  Two more different players and people you would struggle to find but it was West who turned the game and set Nomads up for a total of 154.  He then bowled two of the Away side's Top Six as we dismissed them for 130 - our first victory on a grass track (or whatever alien substance Wandsworth Park is made of.)
West was Man of the Match and we thought we had unearthed a unique batting talent.  We were partially right.  He certainly is unique but who could have predicted in June 1994 that, in his 87 further appearances for the club, he would never get even within 10 runs of the 26 he scored that day.

4) - But he has done plenty with the ball.  None more so than on 30/8/09 in a game at Alexandra Park, Epsom, against Phoenix Epsom Liberal a team who, with one notable exception, were very nice guys but always gave the impression that they thought they should be beating Nomads easily and, no doubt, hitting a bowler of Andrew West's build and pace all over the shop.
Nomads batted pretty well to rack up 216 for 5 from our 35 overs but, on a good track with short-ish boundaries against a fine batting side and with skipper Todorow only having 4 front-line bowlers to juggle, I wouldn't say we were favourites at tea.  The Home side made their way up to about 55 for 2 and my report from the match then takes up the story.....
After 14 overs there was a double bowling change and on came Andrew West and Gopi, two men who are very different in physical stature but very similar in their determination to take wickets. There was an aura about West as he jogged in, ball in hand, and he very quickly produced a floater to bowl No. 4 R.Gall, a man we were told had averaged 280 in his previous three innings. That's all very well, but it's unlikely he had faced a bowler of the calibre of Andrew West.
Gopi produced his usual excellent variation with several big off-spinners and got a quick reward with the wicket of No. 3 Piper Masha. It was West's day however and, even when Raj sent the ball into orbit for a giant 6, Andrew showed his new-found maturity by merely muttering some extremely obscene curses under his breath and turning round and sending down some more jaffas. Down they fell; bowled, bowled and a brilliant running catch by Gopi at short third man to remove the dangerous Raj.
 Shuffling his bowling options cleverly, The Gaffer turned to the spin of Ben Fewson who soon showed we did have a 5th front-line bowler all along with some well-flighted spin. West held the ball aloft after achieving his five-fer with yet another bowled and then Fewson rapped it up to secure a resounding victory by 116 runs. This was a great all-round Nomads performance from a slightly depleted team with everyone chipping in. Phoenix were perhaps more depleted than us, and I did hear a rumour they told John Crossland they were a bit complacent before the game. I'm sure they won't be next season.
There is little that can be said about Andrew West that has not already been said except that he is Man of the Match. Fielder of the Day is a share between Gopi, who took one of the best catches of the season and Mark Bradshaw, who stopped everything at fine leg when the pressure was on - despite a broken finger.

Back to 2015 and I can reveal that this was Andrew West's best bowling analysis for the club,  7-2-20-5, setting up a brilliant win.  Happy days indeed.  I can't remember if he bought a jug but he is forgiven if he didn't.

3) - From the sublime to the..... well, not exactly ridiculous but perhaps shocking, sad, and oooh, maybe just a tiny bit comical.  The Mobile Phone Incident v Surbiton Imperials in August 2015.  In order to protect the identities of those involved I will describe them as "X" (A Medium Pace bowler who bats No. 11 and takes XXL size.)  "Y" (A moustachioed wicketkeeper) and  "Z" (A captain who is respected but is famous for not suffering fools gladly.)  This is how I saw the incident, though if I am ever asked to repeat this under oath, I may have seen something different.  Nomads were fielding at the time,, and being hammered.

X- (pulling out his Mobile Phone) - "Hello, mate.  Alright?"
Y- "Put your phone away, X."
Z- "X, put your phone away NOW!".
(X carried on talking on his phone)
Z- "Right,"  (advancing towards X) "Get off the pitch now."
X- "F*** off you c**t."
(Z started trotting towards X)
Y - (standing between X and Z) "Come on you two, leave it."
(Further badinage followed, with Z trying to reach X, before X finally fled the pitch.
Z - "Stay off the pitch.  You will never play for this club again."
X - "Oh yeah, so I can't even talk to my family then.  My mother's in St Thomas' Hospital, you c**t."

The memory fades a bit after that.  X stayed by the opposition for a while, and applauded their play, before making his way slowly round the pitch, exchanging various comments with boundary fielders and moving onwards every time Z showed signs of going after him.
X waited outside the pavilion at tea, I think in an attempt to apologise to Y, but he was not fully successful for various reasons in making this apology.
I don't think I have described the incident all that well.  It was one of those situations were you really had to be there.  Surbiton Imperials certainly were there and, while I heard a rumour that they were highly amused by the incident, I also heard a rumour that they were think of dropping us from their fixture list as a result.  I hope they don't as X is unlikely to play in the fixture next season.  Z says X definitely won't.

2) Now we come to the Top 2.  Moments in a different league to most of the incidents from 25 to 3 which are not really that remarkable when considered in isolation.  A lot of players are injury-prone, many are temperamental or surprise their team mates with stunningly good or bad performances or highly quotable comments, but the Top 2 were a couple of the most extraordinary things I have seen, on a cricket pitch or anywhere.  They also show the bad and good sides of our hero.
No. 2 occurred in an All London League Game v Sporting Caribs on 2/7/2000.  The type of league it was is hinted at by the fact that the game was played on Wandsworth Common.  This game was actually Hassan's debut (and coincidentally he features in No. 1 as well.)
Nomads fielded and Hassan and Andrew opened the bowling.  Andrew didn't do that badly but was taken off after 2 overs by skipper Joe Chance with figures of 2-0-12-0.  I can't remember his immediate reaction but the decision looked sound as Hassan and 1st changer Emil Todorow reduced the strong, mainly Australian despite their name, visitors to 37 for 5. Caribs then staged a recovery to 142 all out - a decent total on this interesting (all right, crap) pitch with 8 bowlers used.  Andrew West was never brought back.  Nomads never really got close (Hassan top-scored with 29).  Andrew batted high up for him, at No. 8, even above Riaz, West made 4 - a boundary - but Clapham lost by 57 runs.  The weather was dull and there were a couple of rain interruptions. It was a day we realised we would not win the league (we had been top a month previously.) The opposition enjoyed sledging.  So nothing all that dramatic happened but it might have been a combination of all these factors that made Andrew suddenly pick up Eddie Phillips' bat and take a good dozen blows at the bottom of an ancient oak tree in, I think, a genuine attempt to fell it.  The tree still stands, which is more than can be said for Eddie's bat.  (I will, of course, deny having seen any of this if interviewed by Wandsworth Council or the Forestry Commission.)

1) - No. 1 is, in all sincerity, the most incredible thing I have seen on any sports pitch in almost 50 years of playing and watching sport.
It was a friendly at the end of the 2000 season against Touring Theatres.  I have just noticed that I was the captain - what an honour.  Theatres were short of a fielder and asked if they could borrow a Nomad.  I can't remember if I had the hump with them - they did once imply I looked like George Formby so it might have been that - but I gave them Andrew West.  If I intended to stitch them up it backfired spectacularly.  Nomads were 145 for 5 and coasting when Hassan came in at No. 7 (you can see why I don't captain any more) and Andrew was chuntering and had been banished to the Deep Mid Wicket boundary.  Hassan had raced to 8 and must have been looking forward to filling his boots against a benign attack.  He cracked a pull a shot uppishly but hard towards the Mid Wicket boundary, a few feet to the left of West who had appeared to lose all interest.  It looked all over a 6.  A high-class fielder would have made the ground and caught it.  An average fielder would have moved across and possibly dropped it.  Some Nomads might have contrived not to see it or genuinely not got into position.  Only a man of limited fielding ability but true genius could do what West did next.  He just stuck out his left hand and pouched the ball as if it was a piece of pork pie crust that had evaded his jaws at tea.  He did not move a muscle apart from his arm.  Absolutely amazing reflexes or total luck? I just don't know but I'm glad I saw it.
Nomads won the game by 47 runs.  Hassan was less than impressed and didn't play again for us for a while but returned to become our best player of all time.  Andrew only took 1 more catch in a Nomads match in the next 15 years (again, for the opposition) and I just filed the moment away in my memory bank - somewhere between the Total Eclipse of the Sun in 1999 and Botham's batting v Australia at Headingley in 1981, but more unexpected than both.